搞笑无厘：用英语损人的30个短句

　　1. Playing with fire 找死

　　2. Pervert !变态、流氓

　　3. Brag ! 吹牛

　　4. Bullshit! 废话

　　5. Play dumb. 装傻

　　6. Shameless！无耻

　　7. Fighting one’s own.起内讧

　　8. Lucky bastard! 狗屎运

　　9. Crass.没风度

　　10. Wise up!别傻了

　　11. I am dead. 死定了

　　11. Don’t play innocent!别装蒜！

　　12. You are dreaming.你做梦！

　　13. Behave!安分点 ！

　　14. You’re so lame!你真笨！

　　15. That’s rubbish!胡扯！

　　16. No need!免了吧！

　　17. Blood and gore.很恶心

　　18. Go to hell.去死吧！

　　19. Have some decency!正经点

　　20. Make up your mind!干脆点

　　21. Sober up!清醒点

　　22. Don’t run away!别想溜

　　23. How low-class!真低级

　　24. stingy bastard!小气鬼

　　25. Poser!耍大牌

　　26. Nerd 书呆子

　　27. Same difference半斤八两

　　28. You just don’t appreciate it!不识抬举

　　29. How did it come to this!岂有此理

　　30. No class!真没水准

一封绝妙的情书
转载：
  There once lived a lad who was deeply in love with a girl, but disliked by the girl’s father, who didn’t want to see any further development of their love. The lad was eager to write to the girl, yet he was quite sure that the father would read it first. So he wrote such a letter to the girl:

　　一个小伙子非常爱一位姑娘，但姑娘的父亲却不喜欢他，也不让他们的爱情发展下去。小伙子很想给姑娘写封情书，然而他知道姑娘的父亲会先看，于是他给姑娘写了这样一封信：

　　My love for you I once expressed

　　我对你表达过的爱

　　no longer lasts, instead, my distaste for you

　　已经消逝。我对你的厌恶

　　is growing with each passing day. Next time I see you,

　　与日俱增。当我看到你时

　　I even won’t like that look yours.

　　我甚至不喜欢你的那副样子。

　　I’ll do nothing but

　　我想做的一件事就是

　　look away from you. You can never expect I’ll

　　把目光移往别处，我永远不会

　　marry you. The last chat we had

　　和你结婚。我们的最近一次谈话

　　was so dull and dry that you shouldn’t think it

　　made me eager to see you again.

　　枯燥乏味，因此无法使我渴望再与你想见。

　　If we get married, I firmly believe I’ll

　　假如我们结婚，我深信我将

　　live a hard life, I can never

　　生活得非常艰难，我也无法

　　live happily with you, I’ll devote myself

　　愉快地和你生活在一起，我要把我的心

　　but not

　　奉献出来，但决不是

　　to you. No one else is more

　　奉献给你。没有人能比你更

　　harsh and selfish and least

　　苛求和自私，也没有人比你更 

　　solicitous and considerate than you.

　　关心我帮助我。

　　I sincerely want to let you know

　　我真挚地要你明白，

　　what I said is true. Please do me a favor by

　　我讲的是真话，请你助我一臂之力

　　ending our relations and refrain from

　　结束我们之间的关系，别试图

　　writing me a reply. Your letter is always full of

　　答复此信，你的信充满着

　　things which displease me. You have no

　　使我兴趣索然的事情，怀有

　　sincere care for me. So long! Please believe

　　对我的真诚关心。再见，请相信

　　I don’t love you any longer. Don’t think

　　我并不喜欢你，请你不要以为

　　I still have a love of you!

　　我仍然爱着你！

　　Having read the letter, the father felt relieved and gave it to his daughter with a light heart. The girl also felt quite pleased after she read it carefully, her lad still had a deep love for her. Do you know why? In fact, she felt very sad when she read the letter for the first time. But she read it for a few more times and , at last, she found the key – only every other line should be read, that is the first line, the third, the fifth … and so on to the end.

　　姑娘的父亲看了这封信以后，非常高兴地把信给了姑娘。姑娘看罢信也非常快乐，小伙子依然爱着她。你知道她为什么高兴吗？其实，她初读时非常忧伤，但她怎么也不相信那是他的真心话，于是她又默读了几遍，终于，她清楚了该怎样读法。只能一、三、五行如此类推，直到信的结尾.

九句地道的耍赖英语


游戏时耍赖：

That doesn't count.
那不算！
　　
We weren't playing for real.
我们不是玩真的。

欠钱时耍赖：

Money has been really tight lately...
最近手头有点紧……

I've had so many other expenses...
我有太多其他的费用要付……

犯错时耍赖：

It's not my fault.
那不是我的错。

He/She made me do it.
他(她)要我做的。

交通违规时耍赖：

I didn't see the sign.
我没有看到标记。

规避责任时耍赖：

It's not my turn to...
这次不是轮到我……

I didn't know anything about it...
我对此事一无所知……

信用卡为什么安全？


信用卡欺诈行为频频见诸报端，热衷于“提前消费”的人们也不得不对信用卡的安全性提出质疑了。但是消费主义者指出，信用卡依然是一种安全的支付方式，甚至可能是最安全的方式。

The news that millions of T.J. Maxx shoppers had their credit card information stolen may give all credit card users pause. How concerned and cautious do shoppers need to be when wielding plastic at the check-out counter, online or even at their local restaurant? Anthony Giorgianni, an editor at Consumer Reports says there’s really no need to panic.

“Credit cards, actually, are the best way to make a purchase, assuming you paying the bill off every month. Every time you use a credit card, you have all these federal protections against being charged for purchases that you didn’t make, and you would even have protections in some cases that give you the ability to return merchandise that is substandard or isn’t what you’ve ordered, for example. So I think the rule here is that we should not allow this incident as bad as it is to prevent us from using credit cards.”

But consumers are still at the mercy of retailers. Company should erase customer data promptly, but many hold on to that information for marketing purposes.

It’s also difficult for consumers to know whether companies are sufficiently encrypting and protecting their data.

“And that’s something we need to look at, but it certainly does raise a serious question: maybe there has to been some regulation in this area. The main thing you need to do is make sure that you look at your credit card receipts or debit card receipts. You have to check your statement and you have to complain right away and it’s best do it in writing.”

Anthony say fraud loses to credit and debit accounts in the US totaled 20 billion dollars in 2006, but the T.J. Maxx heist might actually be good news for one company. GratisCard is the first anonymous credit card with no name, numbers or data stored on it. It launches at April 1st, and could prove attractive shoppers who have been the victims of fraud.

如何用英文来形容守财奴


1.He is a very stingy person. 他是个很小气的人。

2.What a miser! 真是个吝啬鬼！

3.He's not a generous person. 他不是个慷慨的人。

4.She's such a penny pincher. 她真是个守财奴。

5.He's such a tightwad. 他真是个小气鬼。

6.Money means everything to her. 她视钱如命。

7.He's very tightfisted. 他很吝啬。

8.Her boss is a skinflint. 她老板是个一毛不拔的人。

9.She never wants to splash the cash. 她出手从不大方。

10.He's a real scrooge. 他是个不折不扣的守财奴。

英语笑话锦集


　　woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her

　　printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under

　　Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the

　　door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the

　　cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working

　　fine."

　　**********

　　Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape

　　keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the

　　middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up

　　the Program Manager."

　　Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

　　Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

　　Customer: "What do you mean?"

　　Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

　　Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

　　**********

　　Overheard in a computer shop:

　　Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

　　Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

　　Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

　　**********

　　I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the

　　document back to the sender when I was finished with it,

　　because he needed to keep it.

　　**********

　　Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto

　　this disk for me?"

　　**********

　　Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet,

　　right?"

　　Tech Support: "Yeah."

　　Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet,

　　right?"

　　Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

　　**********

　　Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File

　　Manager icon."

　　Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of

　　the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

　　Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir.

　　I don't believe it was meant to-"

　　Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'.

　　I don't believe in icons."

　　Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the '

　　little picture' of filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"

　　Customer: [click]

　　**********

　　Customer: "My computer crashed!"

　　Tech Support: "It crashed?"

　　Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

　　Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

　　Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

　　Tech Support: "Huh?"

　　Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before.

　　I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

　　Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

　　Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

　　**********

　　Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was

　　having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were

　　coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was

　　smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the

　　basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet.

　　It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent

　　a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she

　　yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until

　　the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

　　**********

　　I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's Deskjet

　　division for about a month when I had a customer call with

　　a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

　　All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled

　　me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

　　For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but

　　green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine

　　except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges.

　　I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing

　　worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new

　　ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about

　　to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair

　　when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of

　　white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

　　**********

　　And another user was all confused about why the cursor always

　　moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the

　　mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult

　　to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to

　　rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

　　**********

　　For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from

　　someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

　　A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

　　I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for

　　the keyboards. She came back and started typing and

　　immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called

　　the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed,

　　nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this

　　time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

　　I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this

　　appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I

　　typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I

　　didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do

　　to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between

　　them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me:

　　"Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit

　　your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are

　　anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any

　　longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had

　　realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny,

　　I never got more than a C- in that class.

　　**********

　　This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied"

　　message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing

　　his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support:

　　"OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

　　Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

　　**********

　　Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

　　**********

　　My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.

　　He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the

　　workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring

　　at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she

　　was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently

　　tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she

　　replied "It's about time! I pressed the F 1 button over

　　twenty minutes ago!"

假如我又回到了童年


If I were a Boy Again



　If I were a boy again, I would practice perseverance more often, and never give up a thing because it was hard or inconvenient. If we want light, we must conquer darkness. Perseverance can sometimes equal genius in its results. “There are only two creatures,” syas a proverb, “who can surmount the pyramids—the eagle and the snail.” If I were a boy again, I would school myself into a habit of attention; I would let nothing come between me and the subject in hand. I would remember that a good skater never tries to skate in two directions at once. The habit of attention becomes part of our life, if we begain early enough. I often hear grown up people say “ I could not fix my attention on the sermon or book, although I wished to do so” , and the reason is, the habit was not formed in youth. If I were to live my life over again, I would pay more attention to the cultivation of the memory. I would strengthen that faculty by every possible means, and on every possible occasion. It takes a little hard work at first to remember things accurately; but memory soon helps itself, and gives very little trouble. It only needs early cultivation to become a power.





　　假如我又回到了童年，我做事要更有毅力，决不因为事情艰难或者麻烦而撒手不干，我们要光明，就得征服黑暗。毅力在效果上有时能同天才相比。俗话说：“能登上金字塔的生物，只有两种——鹰和蜗牛。”假如我又回到了童年，我就要养成专心致志的习惯；有事在手，就决不让任何东西让我分心。我要牢记：优秀的滑冰手从不试图同时滑向两个不同的方向。如果及早养成这种专心致志的习惯，它将成为我们生命的一部分。我常听成年人说：“虽然我希望能集中注意听牧师讲道或读书，但往往做不到。”而原因就是年轻时没有养成这种习惯。假如我现在能重新开始我的生命，我就要更注意记忆力的培养。我要采取一切可能的办法，并且在一切可能的场合，增强记忆力。要正确无误地记住一些东西，在开始阶段的确要作出一番小小的努力；但要不了多久，记忆力本身就会起作用，使记忆成为轻而易举的事，只需及早培养，记忆自会成为一种才能。


　　If I were a boy again, I would cultivate courage. “Nothing is so mild and gentle as courage, nothing so cruel and pitiless as cowardice,” says a wise author. We too often borrow trouble, and anticipate that may never appear.” The fear of ill exceeds the ill we fear.” Dangers will arise in any career, but presence of mind will often conquer the worst of them. Be prepared for any fate, and there is no harm to be feared. If I were a boy again, I would look on the cheerful side. Life is very much like a mirror: if you smile upon it, I smiles back upon you; but if you frown and look doubtful on it, you will get a similar look in return. Inner sunshine warms not only the heart of the owner, but of all that come in contact with it. “ who shuts love out ,in turn shall be shut out from love.” If I were a boy again, I would school myself to say no more often. I might write pages on the importance of learning very early in life to gain that point where a young boy can stand erect, and decline doing an unworthy act because it is unworthy. If I were a boy again, I would demand of myself more courtesy towards my companions and friends, and indeed towards strangers as well. The smallest courtesies along the rough roads of life are like the little birds that sing to us all winter long, and make that season of ice and snow more endurable. Finally, instead of trying hard to be happy, as if that were the sole purpose of life, I would , if I were a boy again, I would still try harder to make others happy.




　　假如我又回到了童年，我就要培养勇气。一位明智的作家曾说过：“世上没有东西比勇气更温文尔雅，也没有东西比懦怯更残酷无情。”我们常常过多地自寻烦恼，杞人忧天。“怕祸害比祸害本身更可怕。”凡事都有危险，但镇定沉着往往能克服最严重的危险。对一切祸福做好准备，那么就没有什么灾难可以害怕的了。假如我又回到了童年，我就要事事乐观。生活犹如一面镜子：你朝它笑，它也朝你笑；如果你双眉紧锁，向它投以怀疑的目光，它也将还以你同样的目光。内心的欢乐不仅温暖了欢乐者自己的心，也温暖了所有与之接触者的心。“谁拒爱于门外，也必将被爱拒诸门外。”假如我又回到了童年，我就要养成经常说“不”字的习惯。一个少年要能挺得起腰，拒绝做不应该做的事，就因为这事不值得做。我可以写上好几页谈谈早年培养这一点的重要性。假如我又回到了童年，我就要要求自己对伙伴和朋友更加礼貌，而且对陌生人也应如此。在坎坷的生活道路上，最细小的礼貌犹如在漫长的冬天为我们歌唱的小鸟，那歌声使冰天雪地的寒冬变得较易忍受。最后，假如我又回到了童年，我不会力图为自己谋幸福，好像这就是人生唯一的目的；与之相反，我要更努力为他人谋幸福。

30个最经典的替换词
　　1.individuals,characters, folks替换(people ,persons)

　　2: positive, favorable, rosy (美好的)，promising

　　(有希望的)，perfect, pleasurable , excellent, outstanding, superior替换good

　　3:dreadful, unfavorable, poor, adverse, ill (有害的)替换bad

　　如果bad做表语，可以有be less impressive替换

　　eg.An army of college students indulge themselves in playing games, enjoying romance with girls/boys or killing time passively in their dorms. When it approaches to graduation ,as a result, they find their academic records are less impressive.

　　4.(an army of, an ocean of, a sea of, a multitude of ,a host of, many, if not most)替换many.

　　注：用many, if not most 一定要小心，many后一定要有词。

　　Eg. Many individuals, if not most, harbor the idea that….同理 用most, if not all ,替换most.

　　5: a slice of, quiet a few , several替换some

　　6:harbor the idea that, take the attitude that,

　　hold the view that, it is widely shared that,

　　it is universally acknowledged that)替think

　　(因为是书面语，所以要加that)

　　7:affair ,business ,matter 替换thing

　　8: shared 代 common

　　9.reap huge fruits 替换get many benefits )

　　10:for my part ,from my own perspective 替换 in my opinion

　　11:Increasing(ly),growing 替换more and more( 注意没有growingly这种形式。所以当修饰名词时用increasing/growing.修饰形容词，副词用increasingly.

　　Eg.sth has gained growing popularity.

　　Sth is increasingly popular with the advancement of sth.

　　12.little if anything, 或little or nothing替换hardly

　　13..beneficial, rewarding替换helpful,

　　14.shopper,client,consumer,purchaser, 替换customer

　　15.exceedingly,extremely, intensely 替换very

　　16.hardly necessary, hardly inevitable ... 替换 unnecessary, avoidable

　　17.sth appeals to sb, sth exerts a tremendous fascination on sb 替换sb take interest in / sb. be interested in

　　18.capture one's attention替换attract one's attention.

　　19.facet,demension,sphere代aspect

　　20.be indicative of ,be suggestive of ,be fearful of代 indicate, suggest ,fear

　　21.give rise to, lead to, result in, trigger 替换cause.

　　22. There are several reasons behind sth 替换..reasons for sth

　　23.desire 替换want.

　　24.pour attention into 替换pay attention to

　　25.bear in mind that 替换remember

　　26. enjoy, possess 替换have(注意process是过程的意思)

　　27. interaction替换communication

　　28.frown on sth替换 be against , disagree with sth

　　29.to name only a few, as an example替换 for example, for instance

　　30. next to / virtually impossible,替换nearly / almost impossible

罕见的化石记录
　　A Rare Fossil Record

　　The preservation of embryos and juveniles is a rate occurrence in the fossil record. The tiny, delicate skeletons are usually scattered by scavengers or destroyed by weathering before they can be fossilized. Ichthyosaurs had a higher chance of being preserved than did terrestrial creatures because, as marine animals, they tended to live in environments less subject to erosion. Still, their fossilization required a suite of factors: a slow rate of decay of soft tissues, little scavenging by other animals, a lack of swift currents and waves to jumble and carry away small bones, and fairly rapid burial. Given these factors, some areas have become a treasury of well-preserved ichthyosaur fossils.

　　The deposits at Holzmaden, Germany, present an interesting case for analysis. The ichthyosaur remains are found in black, bituminous marine shales deposited about 190 million years ago. Over the years, thousands of specimens of marine reptiles, fish and invertebrates have been recovered from these rocks. The quality of preservation is outstanding, but what is even more impressive is the number of ichthyosaur fossils containing preserved embryos. Ichthyosaurs with embryos have been reported from 6 different levels of the shale in a small area around Holzmaden, suggesting that a specific site was used by large numbers of ichthyosaurs repeatedly over time. The embryos are quite advanced in their physical development; their paddles, for example, are already well formed. One specimen is even preserved in the birth canal. In addition, the shale contains the remains of many newborns that are between 20 and 30 inches long.

　　Why are there so many pregnant females and young at Holzmaden when they are so rare elsewhere? The quality of preservation is almost unmatched and quarry operations have been carried out carefully with an awareness of the value of the fossils. But these factors do not account for the interesting question of how there came to be such a concentration of pregnant ichthyosaurs in a particular place very close to their time of giving birth.

　罕见的化石记录

　　胚胎与幼体被保存下来在化石记录中是少见的事情。 微小纤细的骨骼通常在石化前就被食腐肉的动物拆散了，或者被风化作用破坏掉了。 鱼龙比起陆地的动物有更大的几率被保存下来，因为它们作为海洋动物常生活在腐蚀性较小的环境中。 但是它们的石化需要一系列因素：软组织的腐烂速度缓慢，很少被其他动物残食，缺少混杂、冲走小骨头的快速水流和波浪，以及相当快地被掩埋。 当这些因素存在时，某些地区就会变成一个充满保存完好的鱼龙化石的宝库。

　　在德国获尔兹梅登，那儿的沉积物给人们提出了一个有趣的分析案例。 人们在黑色的、含沥青的海洋页岩中发现了约19，000年前沉积下来的鱼龙化石。 几年时间内，在这些岩石中取得了数以千计的海洋爬行动物、鱼类以及无脊椎动物的标本。 它们的保存质量非常的好，但更令人称奇的是保存下来的育有胚胎的鱼龙化石数目。 在获尔兹梅登附近一个小地区的六个不同的页岩层中分别发现了育有胚胎的鱼龙化石。 这表明大量的鱼龙经年累月重复使用一个特定的地点。 那些胚胎已经发育得相当完整了。 比如，它们的蹼桨已经完全形成了。 有一个标本甚至被保存在产道中。 而且，那块页岩包含着很多在20到30英寸之间的新生幼体的化石。

　　为什么在其他地方那么稀少的怀孕雌兽和幼体在获尔兹梅登却那么多呢? 因为其保存质量几乎举世无双，采集工作的进行一直是一丝不苟的。 大家都认识到这些化石的价值极其珍贵，但这些因素并不能解释这个有趣的问题： 为什么在一个特定的地点会如此集中地出现即将临产的怀孕鱼龙群呢?

接待用语的表达举例
随着公司的发展壮大，一些合作交往也就越来越多。当公司来了客人，我们应当如何接待，才能表现的热情得体呢。今天就让我们来分享一下接待用语。

　　Would you please give me your business card?

　　能给我你的名片么？

　　I’ll go and see if he’s available.

　　我去看看他现在是否方便。

　　Have a seat please. Would you like tea or coffee?

　　请坐。您想喝点什么？咖啡还是茶？

　　He is expecting you. Come this way please.

　　他正等您呢。请这边走。