瑞星卡卡安全论坛

迟到的原因

Teacher：Johnny，why are you late for school every morning？

　　老师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到？

　　Johnny：Every time when I come to the corner，a guidepost says，”School--GoSlow”.

　　约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着“学校——缓行”。

有关新西兰气候这件事
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of NewZealand?

　　老师:马修，新西兰的气候怎么样？

　　Matthew: Very cold，sir.

　　马修:先生，那里的天气很冷。

　　Teacher: Wrong.

　　老师:错了。

　　Matthew: But，sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen！

　　马修:可是，先生，从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

到底谁发现了澳大利亚
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.

　　老师：约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。

　　Johnny: It's here, sir.

　　约翰尼：先生，在这儿。

　　Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia？

　　老师：对了。萨默，你来回答我，是谁发现了澳大利亚？

　　Sammy: Johnny, sir.

　　萨默：先生，是约翰尼。

美国地名超级搞笑翻译
我觉得先前翻译外国地名时有点儿崇洋媚外，净拣好字儿往上贴，动不动就“美”呀，“英”呀，“德”呀什么的。人有先入之见，要是换上中性词，哪还有这么大的魅力？如果付诸贬义呢，没准儿我们当年就不会一门心思出洋留学了。

　　首先，咱把美国译成“屙麦粒颗”(Ameri-ca)，绝对“信达”，尽管有点儿不“雅”。但让人一听这地方，不是荒蛮僻壤，就是穷山恶水，吃的拉的全是种子，必然三思而后行。再看首都在哪儿？“花生屯”(Washington)？！整个儿一专业村。旁边的州庄稼都种不好，秋收一到“麦里烂”(Maryland)，所以见人矮三分，“弗及你呀”(Virginia)！人弱言善，说话倒是文绉绉的。大西边那个“花生屯”稍好一点儿，屯里有个“细芽图”(Seattle)，听起来像是一个农业科研站。

　　本人先溜出国门，餐馆打工“扭腰”(NewYork)，残了，伤心哪，呼天抢地有“痞”气，“废了呆哟废丫”(Philadelphia)！简称“废城”，一听就是烂地方。人人都说西岸阳光明媚，“裸衫鸡”(LosAngeles)女人不穿衣服，就挂个下海洗澡的小兜兜。投亲奔友开开眼去吧。但客久惹人厌，“家里烦你丫”(California)，家人烦你都带脏字儿，还能厚着脸皮不走吗？其实，到哪儿也不容易，处处是陷阱，不是“诱她”(Utah)，就是“蒙他哪”(Montana)！

　　兄弟我到过的地方不多，最早在“饿还饿”(Ohio)读书，那地方经常跟闹自然灾害似的，吃都吃不饱，怎么做学问？再损点儿，译成“屙还屙”，能把人吓瘫，好汉架不住三泡稀，如果没完没了，水分尽失，最后还不变成木乃伊。所以我跑啦。

　　现在住的地方紧挨着“吃家狗”(Chicago)，富起来是没指望啦，周围也怪可怖的。北有“唯死克星”(Wisconsin)，南边儿抱怨“阴地暗哪”(Indiana)！这里没有太多回旋的余地，只有“一里挪”(Illinois)，往东“迷痴跟”(Michigan)，跟过去是一个湖，一迷糊就会淹着，没听见正西面一声接一声的“唉噢哇”(Iowa)，不是叹息就是一惊一乍。

　　还想来美国看看？咱接着再讲留学人员的故事。留学人员喜欢走南闯北，见多识广，到了美国，却回不去了。有个上海来的女孩，对着大海喊“阿拉思家”(Alaska)！喊累了，只好每天“哇啦哇啦”(WalaWala)，以解心忧。

　　涉世未深的女孩从没见过这么恐怖的地方，有病没处治，难道坐等“得个啥死”(Texas)？遭逢歹徒，“恶砍杀”(Arkansas)，遇见土匪，“砍杀死”(Kansas)！就是幸免于难，日后中了六合彩，谁不怕“富了雷打”(Florida)？既如此，想想还是“赖死回家死”(LasVegas)的好，谁知有家难归，只好绝望地哭喊“阿拉爸妈”

MM如何拒绝酒吧艳遇
男：I＇m a photographer. I＇ve been looking for a face like yours. 我是摄影师。我一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。

　　女：I＇m a plastic surgeon. I＇ve been looking for a face like yours. 我是整形外科医生。我也一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。

　　男：Is this seat empty？这个座位是空的吗？

　　女：Yes，and this one will be if you sit down.是的，如果你坐下，我的这个座位就是空的。

　　男：Will you go out with me this Saturday？ 这个星期六你想跟我出去吗？

　　女：Sorry. I＇m having a headache this weekend. 抱歉。这个周末我头疼。

　　男：I think I could make you very happy. 我想我能让你非常快乐。

　　女：Why？ Are you leaving？ 是吗？你是说你要离开？

孩子复数是双胞胎
Teacher: What is the plural of man，Tom？

　　老师：汤姆，“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么？

　　Tom: Men.

　　汤姆：“男人们”。

　　Teacher: Good. And the plural of child？

　　老师：答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢？

　　Tom: Twins.

　　汤姆：双胞胎。

我在谈一笔很大的生意
A young business man had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

　　一个年轻人刚开始做生意，租了一间漂亮的办公室。坐在办公室，他看见一个人从外面走进办公室。装着很忙的样子，他拿起话筒，假装正在跟人谈一笔很大的生意。他从嘴里说出的，都是数目很大的数字，还有口气很大的许诺。

　　Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."

　　最后，他挂上电话，问来访者:“您有什么事吗？”来访者说:“哦，我是来装电话的。”

妻子失声了
　One guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, my wife has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back？"

　　一个男人问医生：“大夫，我妻子嗓子说不出话。我应该做些什么才能帮助她？”

　　The doctor replies, "Try to come home at 3 in the morning."

　　医生答道：“尝试一下，凌晨3点回家。”(

英文竟能说得如此搞笑
小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：

　　May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？

　　小明说：你没听老师说“去你个头”啊！

Girl, Please Fall in Love with Me
After the self-study class at night, I opened the computer. I sorted out the male net friends to the Frog Concentration Camp and several unlovely girls I’ve seen to the Dinosaur Concentration Camp. Then I began chatting with the three girls left.

　　Me: Honey, let’s fall in love!

　　Talented girl: OK. Are you a Party member?

　　Me: No, I’m not.

　　Talented girl: Are you a League member?

　　Me: Well, no.

　　Talented girl: Well, are you a member of China Young Pioneers?

　　Me: I used to be one many years ago. But why do you bother asking such questions?

　　Talented girl: Then I can’t promise you. At all events, I’m the team leader of our class.

　　…

　　Recalling the painful experience, I still have two girls to chat with.


　　Me: Girl, let’s fall in love!

　　Lonely girl: Good. After all, I can fall in love.

　　Me: Well, didn’t you love someone before?

　　Lonely girl: No. They always said I was a dinosaur.

　　Me: Umm, in this case, we’d better break up at the moment.

　　Lonely girl: No, I don’t agree. It’s my first love…

　　55555555555…

　　Now the last girl left, I would especially cherish her.

　　Me: Girl, don’t you want to fall in love with me?

　　Jiaojiao: I think it’s OK, but I’d like to ask for my father’s advice.

　　Me: My God! You asked your father this kind of thing? You surely don’t have your own definite idea!

　　Jiaojiao: It’s not like that. I am just 5 years old and haven’t learnt to type. It is my father who types for me.

　　Me: …

　　Then I said: Hello, uncle.




美眉，我们网恋吧
　　晚自习归来，我打开电脑，把男网友全部归到青蛙集中营里，把几个见过不漂亮的女网友归到恐龙集中营。剩下的三个美眉还要再聊聊。

　　我说：美眉我们网恋吧！

　　小才女说：好呀。你是党员吗？

　　我说：不是。

　　小才女说：那你是团员吗？

　　我说：不是。

　　小才女说：那你是少先队员吗？

　　我说：很多年以前就不是了，你问这些做什么？

　　小才女说：那可不行，我可是我们班的小组长呢。

　　我无语。

　　痛定思痛，还有两个MM可以聊。

　　我说：美眉我们网恋吧！

　　小孤女说：好呀，终于恋爱了。

　　我说：怎么，以前没有恋爱过吗？

　　小孤女说：没有，他们总说我是恐龙。

　　我说：哦，这样，那我们分手，就现在。

　　小孤女说：不，我不同意，这是我的初恋，55555555555……

　　还剩最后一个美眉，我倍加珍惜。

　　我说：美眉，我们网恋吧！

　　娇娇：好呀，不过我要问问我爸爸。

　　我说：天哪，这事你问你爸爸？你自己那么没主见呀?！

　　娇娇：不是呀，我今年才5岁，还不会打字，刚才是我爸爸替我打字啊。

　　我说：……

　　我再说：叔叔好。

你知道我是干嘛的吗
Do You Know My Work？

　　One night a hotel caught fire，and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes.

　　一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡衣就跑了出来。

　　Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.

　　两个人站在外面，看着大火。

　　"Before I came out," said one," I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People don't think of money when they're afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire，the fire burn sit. So I took all the bills that I could find. No one will be poorer because I took them."

　　“在我出来之前，”其中一个人说，“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”

　　"You don't know my work," said the other.

　　“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个人说。

　　"What is your work？" “你是干什么的？”

　　"I'm a policeman."

　　“我是警察。”

　　"Oh！" cried the first man. He thought quickly and said, "And do you know my work?"

　　“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”

　　"No," said the policeman.

　　“不知道。”警察说。”

　　I'm a writer. I'm always tellings to ries about things that never happened."

　　“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”

你的钟准吗
愚蠢的问题 Stupid Question

　　Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"

　　丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点？”

　　After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.

　　几个月后，丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大钟，把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟，把它挂在了墙上。

　　"Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?"

　　“现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问丹:“这钟准吗？”

你送的礼物味道好极了
A Hollywood producer was determined to give his mother a birthday gift. He heard about an amazing bird which could talk in twelve languages and sing ten famous operas. He immediately bought the bird and sent it to his mother. It cost him$50，000.

　　一位好莱坞制片人决定送他母亲一份生日礼物。他听说有一只神奇的鸟会说12种语言，会唱10种著名歌剧，便立即买下这只鸟，寄给了母亲。这只鸟花了他5万美元。

　　The day after his mother's birthday, he phoned to her. "What did you think of the bird, Mother？" he asked eagerly. His mother replied, "Oh well, It's very delicious!"

　　他母亲生日的第二天，他打电话给她。“妈妈，您觉得那只鸟怎么样啊？”他急切地问道。他母亲回答说:“啊，味道好极了！”

一只孤独青蛙的美好未来
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

　　His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

　　The frog is thrilled， "This is great！"

　　"Will I meet her at a party？" he croaks.

　　"No," says the psychic， "in biology class."

反正我太太明天会来换的
My Wife Will Exchange Them

    A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

　　″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.

　　″Makes no difference ″replied customer.

　　″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.

　　″Any″ he responded.

　　″Size﹖″

　　″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″

　　反正我太太明天会来换的

　　 一位先生走进一家商店要买副手套。

　　“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。

　　“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。

　　“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。

　　“什么颜色都成。”他回答。

　　“号码呢？”

　　“您就随便给我拿一副吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我太太明天都会来换的。”

九句地道的耍赖英语
游戏时耍赖：

　　That doesn't count.

　　那不算！

　　We weren't playing for real.

　　我们不是玩真的。

　　欠钱时耍赖：

　　Money has been really tight lately...

　　最近手头有点紧……

　　I've had so many other expenses...

　　我有太多其他的费用要付……

　　犯错时耍赖：

　　It's not my fault.

　　那不是我的错。

　　He/She made me do it.

　　他(她)要我做的。

　　交通违规时耍赖：

　　I didn't see the sign.

　　我没有看到标记。

　　规避责任时耍赖：

　　It's not my turn to...

　　这次不是轮到我……

　　I didn't know anything about it...

　　我对此事一无所知……

我喝酒前忘记摇晃酒瓶了
"Why are you bouncing up and down like that?"

　　"I just took some liquid medicine and I forgort to shake up the bottle as directed."

我没有蛀牙/No Cavities
A smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit,"Hey mom,the dentist says I have no cavities. "

　　His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised,"It's impossible --you never brush your teeth after cleaning the chocolate box before you go to bed!

　　Then the boy opened his mouth --he had not a tooth left!




英文笑话：我没有蛀牙/No Cavities
　　小男孩儿看完牙医，面带微笑地回到家：“嘿，妈妈，牙医说，我一颗蛀牙也没有。”

　　妈妈惊讶地瞪大眼睛：“不可能——你每回上床睡觉前都把巧克力盒子里的糖一下子吃完，而且从来不刷牙！”

　　这时，男孩儿张开了嘴巴——他的牙全被拔光了。